New helmet to protect players from pitches thrown at ‘ludicrous speed’

Separated at birth...?

After taking a Matt Cain fastball to the head that put him on the disabled list for the first time in his career, David Wright returned to action against the Rockies on Tuesday with a new helmet that supposedly would protect his head better from fastballs.

And which made him look like Dark Helmet from Spaceballs.

I noticed it immediately, and then the Mets announcers echoed the observation a few innings later. This thing is enormous! Wright joked that everyone on both teams were laughing at him, but I mean, they were. Has David Wright’s helmet truly gone from suck to blow?

Listen, we’re all about safety here. A 97-mph fastball to the head could have killed Wright, and players need all the protection they can get.

But here’s the thing, to perform well in sports, you have to feel cool. And to feel cool, you have to look cool. Don’t believe me? Ask Redskins running back Clinton Portis, when he was fined by the NFL for wearing, of all things, red socks:

If you’re not looking sweet, you really can’t play too sweet.

Thank you, Clinton. So I would implore the good people at Rawlings to get their act together here. Surely you can make an effective helmet that doesn’t look like my dude is wearing a VW Bug on his head. I mean, this is going to be mandatory in the Minors next year. We can’t have all these prospects falling over because their heads are suddenly too big for their bodies.

Until then though, we need Wright to keep using this monstrosity. His head’s just too valuable to have goons like Cain scrambling his brains. In other words…

We can’t stop! It’s too dangerous!